Signs

Many factors influence the state of your relationship, and external factors could be at play.

Below is a list of common signs that you may be experiencing a problem in your relationship.

• Lost intimacy
• Can’t trust each other
• Considering breaking up
• You feel there are no ‘fun’ moments
• You fight constantly with no resolution
• Repeated unwillingness to compromise
• Barely any time is spent together or apart
• Someone has or is considering being unfaithful
• One or both of you violates personal boundaries
• Not meeting emotional needs, such as feeling appreciated
• Withholding or limiting communication, affection, or other forms of intimacy

These are just some signs that you may need to refocus on your relationship. Though, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should break up or remove the other from your life. If you are frequently seeking others’ advice on the state of your relationship, you may also benefit from speaking to a professional.

A problem in your relationship rarely goes away on its own. Working on the issue together could lead to a resolution as long as all parties are willing to try. 

First, you’ll need to identify what is causing the problem. We recommend discussing this together honestly and openly. Keep reading to learn some of the common causes of a relationship problem. 

Expectations

We don’t always discuss what we want from our partners, but that doesn’t stop us from having expectations. Some may seem like obvious mutual decisions, such as always showing respect or simply not wearing shoes in the house. Though others may be larger, such as how much money you spend in a month. 

In a heterosexual relationship (opposite genders), you may also have gendered expectations. For example, is the man expected to know how to fix things and to make more money? Is the woman expected to cook dinner every day, clean the house, and be the sole host for guests? If these are roles you are both happy with, this is no problem, but this should be discussed and decided on together. Agree on what your role in the relationship includes.

Many factors can influence your expectations in a relationship. From previous experiences and the input of others to internal values, beliefs, and culture. If you don’t know what the other person expects, living up to it is hard. One of you may also have an unrealistic expectation for the other to meet.

By sharing what you each expect, you can have a productive conversation about how you’ll behave in the future. You can work on the knowledge you each have rather than what you assume they know. It also allows you to set healthy boundaries, which are important in a relationship. 

Personality differences

Does your partner’s personality differ notably from yours? If one of you is extroverted while the other is introverted, for example, you may present differently in public. One of you may wish to frequently go out and socialise with others, while the other may prefer being home. Or maybe one of you is considerably tidier than the other. It’s important to discuss what you both consider normal and healthy, so you can work around each other. 

Neither of you should feel forced to be someone you aren’t. But, the other person may not intentionally dismiss the others’ experience of the world. One solution could be that the extroverted person goes out with friends a couple of times a week and once with the introverted person. Or you set a list of chores you both agree on and are comfortable doing.

A significant change in your relationship

Having a baby, moving in together, or changing to a long-distance relationship can be significant relationship changes. The dynamic of your daily life and how you work together evolves, and you should allow for an adjustment period. Each of these can cause stress and may influence your relationship.

Before making a significant change, we recommend you sit down and discuss how you plan for it to work. What steps you will take, and how to resolve potential challenges. You should also prepare for the possibility things will not go according to plan. Make time for each other and listen to what the other is struggling with.

Mental health difficulties

If one or both of you are dealing with mental health problems, it can affect your behaviour. For example, if one of you has low self-esteem, you may feel insecure about sharing attention and affection. Other people and pets may feel like opponents in a competition, leading to jealousy and resentment. It can cause that person to lash out or monitor messages, which isn’t healthy. 

Depression, stress, and anxiety can cause you to act unpredictably, and your partner may not know how to help. If one of you is experiencing mental health issues, it’s important to seek professional advice. Not just for your partner’s sake but your own. 

A therapist can show you how to check in with your needs and recognise when you need to manage your feelings. You can have the space to process your thoughts and experiences, taking practical steps to address them.

Attachment problems in relationships

Your upbringing can influence how you behave in a relationship. A warm, nurturing environment often leads to a secure attachment style. But without it, you may develop an insecure attachment style. Read our blog to learn more: How early relationships with parents/guardians affect adult relationships.